5 Ways Poetry Immolates

Happy National Poetry Month! Wait, wait don't stop reading!
I know poetry has a bad rap.You saw the word poetry in that first line and you rolled your eyes, didn't you? I'm here to tell you that it has to end. This column will be a metaphorical line in the sand. More poets need to understand what a metaphor is anyway. There used to be a time when poetry mattered, when poets were looked to for insight into the human condition. And yes, were respected. Sadly, today, poetry more often than not deserves that bad rap. So, in these pages, each week, we'll deconstruct what's gone wrong, and how it can be fixed.
We'll start with the basics - just where has poetry gone off the tracks? Here are five reasons poetry shoots itself in the foot:

5) The Form Itself. What makes so many people cringe at the thought of poetry? Easy. So much of it is bad, because everybody thinks they can write one. Well you can't, so stop trying. Being able to finish the follow line "There once was a man from Nantucket...." does not make you a poet. Nor does anything to do with unicorns, wizards or France. And just because you know what iambic pentameter is does not make you Shakespeare.

4) Everyone Can Publish It. Yes, I'm going to say it. The Internet. Those damn tubes allow ANYONE to publish their badly written poem about a turtle. It's like the Internet is the worst kind of enabler. And that goes for novel writing, scanning your crappy art, and taking pictures of bees on flowers as well. The Internet can give you immediate access to readers. What it cannot do is edit your poem. Find an editor. Until then, keep your poem off the tubes.

3) Slam Poetry. I've said it before and I'm thrilled to have a forum to say it again. Bad poetry does not get any better if it's yelled at you. Poetry is about language. Slam is about theatrics. Save it for the theater. Frost did not need to swear, shout or wave his hands. Why? Because he knew how to write a poem.

2) Pretentious Publishing Styles. Printing a poem about a bird in the shape of a bird is irritating. Period. So is printing a poem sideways on the page. So is having a page fold out. Also, printing an already published essay and blocking out the words to create a "new" poem is lazy, not poetry.

1) Sylvia Plath. If only Sylvia had confided her hatred for her father in a good psychiatrist instead of unleashing her mopey, boo-hoo prose on generations of teenage girls, we wouldn't have Twilight. That's right... connect the dots people. Until poetry sheds its sticky, glittery glaze of sad teenagers who apparently no one understands, it'll only get the respect it deserves.